Questions I have for cat-callers

I’m sure you’ve all seen the film where Hugh Grant winds down the window, takes a deep breath and with no thought he romantically,  mindfully and respectfully shouts to a woman half his age: “NICE TITS” – and then revs off into the sunset knowing he’d never see that vulnerable young woman again.

Or wait, you haven’t, because it doesn’t exist, as funnily enough no woman ever born on planet earth dreams of that situation and Richard Curtis sure as hell wouldn’t cast Hugh Grant in that way, ever.

Considering it’s actually difficult to find a woman who has never been subject to some level of harassment – one woman even set up an entire Instagram account dedicated to it – I have a few questions for these verbal romantics…


Do you actually expect a response?

“So today on the street this guy shouted at me ‘legs’ and then I said ‘aw thanks your legs are really lovely too, can I have your number'”

Or do you expect to be completely ignored as she does everything humanly possible not to look at you?

What do you get out of it?

I’m not sure if there is some sort of club or something where you all share your tales and there’s a little macho-man leader board for publicly embarrassing women or is it just so mutual dickheads think you’re funny?

…are there more points available if they’re alone?

The first rule of cat-calling club: there is safety in numbers, so reduce the number. It’s actually really lovely for the woman to be alone when they’re being cat-called because it makes them feel more vulnerable #goals.

Have you ever heard of a radio?

The widely enjoyed activity tends to take place in cars, as it is enough room to protect all their MAN ego, beers and meat they have to have alongside them. It is quite possible these cat-callers are unsure how to function a radio and have therefore taken up such activity with the absence of Heart FM.

Have you ever been original?

I mean, how many times can you say “OI OI”? Don’t get me wrong it’s shit, but if you’re going to be a twat excel yourself and try and be a slightly clever twat.

What would you do if you were cat-called yourself?

Do you smile with pride knowing you’ve met someone with a mutual interest? Is it like being on holiday and meeting someone who is the same nationality as you? Must be super fun and exciting.


Have you ever done it with your mum by your side?

Most parents like to support their children with their hobbies, football games, music recitals, so probably shouting sexual comments at women too, right? THAT’S MY BOY!!!

Do you think you look attractive…and has it ever worked?

When shouting these really fun comments, do you think: “corrr what an eligible bachelor am I? I am a real gentlemen who would be an asset to any woman’s life, I can’t wait to tell my future daughter how I creeped the fuck out of her Mum and then we fell in love.”

All in all, cat calling generally makes women feel embarrassed and vulnerable, it’s not nice. But regardless, if any cat callers would like to answer my questions, let me know! Or just shout at me when I’m alone.


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