This evening viewers will be forced to get a life due to the finale of ITV2’s hit reality programme, Love Island.
After the show finally reveals the winning couple tonight at 9pm, an hour gap – or two hour gap if you watch After Sun too – will emerge into the lives of many.
In order to cope with this stressful situation, viewers are strongly advised to do the following:
Find something new to talk to co-workers about
A large difficulty in the recovery process will be the discovery that you’re a boring bastard that dedicated their life to one thing. But take comfort in the fact that so did everyone else. You’re going to have to search for other common interests, topics and world affairs. You can no longer say to everyone at work in moments of silence between keyboard tapping “so did you watch Love Island last night”. You’ll have to dig deeper, find out what their name is and what they did in their life before the reality show took over.
Tidy your room
Your room is probably an absolute shit-hole now. Wrappers of snacks will swarm your floor – after eating your feelings when Liv made Chris feel like he wasn’t good enough. Run KMC posters will have taken over your wall and you’ll forget what colour it was before. Your Chris appreciation shrine has taken over what used to be valuable desk room. It is now time to take the plunge and make space for normal life.
Read a dictionary
Your vocabulary is likely to be absolutely horrendous now. You’re calling your mum muggy for opening your post. You’re asking your friend if they ‘stuck it on them’ when they went for their date. And I don’t know what my type is on stone, paper or even sand but now I’m questioning everyone humanly possible what their ‘type on paper’ is. It’s time to read up and remember what real words and phrases are.
Get back on top of your body confidence
After watching muscular men and toned women prancing around in the sunshine for so long, your stomach that nicely prompts up your nachos doesn’t feel so great anymore. It’s time to love yourself again and appreciate the handy perks of the out of season but still wonderful winter-bod. Besides, the skinny-thick girl body is pretty hard to achieve and so is the evenly proportioned muscle man – just do your best and be happy with what you’ve got, whether it’s flab or ab.
Maintain actual friendships
Despite thinking you’d be great mates with Kem, Chris, Marcel and absolutely smash a night out with the girls – depressingly, they don’t know who you are. You can actually reply and text your friends in the evening now you’re not engrossed into your TV screen or go for a walk and find like-minded lost souls and make friends who are just as sad as you!
Focus on your own relationship
After spending several months analysing the relationships of others, yours has probably gone to shit. Is your boyfriend as thoughtful as Marcel, as tolerant as Chris and as fun as Kem? Is your girlfriend as funny as Montana, attractive as Amber and as intelligent as Camilla? Now you’re an experienced but unqualified love guru, it’s time to focus on what’s going on at home. And if you’re single, take a look at our girl Camilla: she really liked a prick who ironically sacked her off, fell into a false sense of rebound excitement with a Pro-Green wannabe and then found her La La Land love all at once with the romantic and lovely Jamie. A process which many can relate to within their love-lives.
Good luck to all the fans of Love Island out there, the world hopes that you find that thing you used to do in the hour in between 9 and 10pm.