How to be the cool girl

The cool girl is not the one that snorts when she laughs, trips over literal air, worries her partner doesn’t like her anymore and doesn’t know the capital’s of each country.

Despite the female population’s elaborate education in Legally Blonde and Bridget Jones – these are not the cool girls these are the ditzy fun-loving blondes. The girl that all your friends encourage you to be and the girl you think prospective partners may want is the Jamie (Mila Kunis) in Friends with Benefits. This is the girl with typically male-orientated interests but is super hot.

It’s all good and well being told to ‘be the cool girl’ but when you’re done making a dick out of yourself and stressing out over an awful social situation, you sit and wonder, what is the cool girl? How do I do it? Is there a string of twat-fighting antibiotics I can consume to remove my non-cool ambience? Well, no there’s not and I am also sure if the world isn’t already antibiotic resistant then they certainly would be if it started making you more cool. Instead follow my eight easy -T’s and C’s may comply- steps:

Eat loads of food


The cool girl can tackle a burger like it’s part of her daily routine. There’s no worrying about looking sophisticated or ordering something fancy. You order the biggest meal possible and you eat all of it. Sounds FUN being the cool girl, right?

Further instructions: somehow and someway you have to eat all this food but be skinny as fuck. It’s only cool if you’re Harry Potter and can perform a spell that enables you to eat 2000 calories but only look 2 calories.

Drink beer

 

 

 

 

 

The cool girl will step away from the Pornstar Martini’s and over-boomeranged Proseccos. The cool girl will be having a beer. A beer says: “I don’t care what you think, I am the cool girl, piss off”.

Further instructions: you cannot actually get drunk. Do you think the cool girl is standing on tables and screaming at the DJ to put Dancing On The Moonlight on? No. You have to sit there slowly drinking your cold beer with your sunglasses on your head and smile.

Like sports and have knowledge about it

 

 

 

 

Rugby and football are popular choices here. Support a team and actually know the rules, the players and all the terminology. The cool girl vibe is all about screaming for your team whilst maintaining your glossy hair and taking pleasure in knowing the off-side rule.

Further instructions: it isn’t actually a strictly cool-girl activity to like sports but the more you know, the cooler you are. In this cruel world if you are a girl you have to prove yourself like an overprotective Skater with people wearing Thrasher just for FASHUN. You can’t just watch the games, you have to know everything because the cockiest people will seek you out and test you, even if your interest is only light.

Be intellectually passionate about something (something very weirdly particular)

A love for First Dates and Cat Cafés do not qualify here.  Be stimulated by global warming or a band that nearly no one has heard of but you have five vinyls of their ‘best’ singles.

Further instructions: you have to share articles about your interests and wear merchandise from your random band to show true devotion or your just another Thrasher poser to the rest of the uncool world.

Let people treat you badly

If someone you’re interested in cheats on you or is genuinely just making you feel like a little speckle of mud then you do nothing. THE COOL GIRL DOESN’T CARE. The cool girl shall flick her hair and find the next best console game instead.

Further instructions: if you do care, you can still be cool as long as you do not show it.

Be really difficult to get into contact with


You are the Beyoncé of social media and only the elite get accepted on Facebook and followed back on Twitter. You don’t reply to texts, phone calls, morse code, pigeon letters or even in conversation. The time of a cool girl is so valuable and everyone else lacks in all value in comparison.

Further instructions: even if you really like someone, you ignore them maybe until they die and don’t even attend their funeral because you are cool.

Have a cool name


If you were the kid in primary school that had to be given a nickname or their surname was constantly repeated because there were ten if you in the class, you aren’t cool. The most unusual and peculiar name wins.

Further instructions: if you were born with an uncool name, only the dedicated cool people would change it.

Be super hot

 

 

 

 

 

The biggest condition to all the prior steps is that NONE of them matter unless you have the face and body of a goddess.

Further instructions: find a way to filter yourself in real life and you’ve got this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you are the ‘cool girl’ then great. If you are a bit of twat, great. If you are somewhere in-between then also great. But the pressure to be a certain type of person is stupid and unhealthy, especially when it’s so appearance-orientated. It’s like the ridiculous statement that many girls tend to say about loving ‘nerds’. You could find the smartest guy in the world but if he doesn’t look like the current Calvin Klein model in glasses, suddenly they’re not into ‘nerds’ anymore. And if you want to hype up ‘gamer-girls’ then you have to hype up the size 6 and the size 16 ‘gamer-girls’.

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