Girls everywhere are endlessly scrolling through Instagram, liking their mates’ night-out pictures, wondering if that girl is ‘just his sister’ and asking themselves how the bloody hell do some of these bodies exist and how can they get one?
If you hadn’t noticed the skinny-thick girl is what it’s all about.
The skinny-thick girl is currently what Kylie Jenner has got going on along with all the other high-knickered Instagram girls.
It’s the body where Calvin Klein underwear will make the peach emoji look like it’s stored down your pants and your chest appears perfectly -and suspiciously- perked and voluptuous, teamed up with a stomach that makes an ironing board look like it’s had one too many Kipling slices.
The latest trend that makes those ‘unrealistic expectations of the female body’ tweets seem a little bit more realistic than the skinny-thick girl.
It may be easier just to kidnap a skinny-thick girl in order to get that kind of a body *this blog does not condone kidnapping, ever*.
The preliminary steps you can take of course include learning how to Photoshop and contour the shit out of your entire body. But anyway, here’s how you do it my friends, how to get that body for yourself, in just four easy steps:
Step one: get yourself one big massive arse
Eat all the cakes, sweets, carbs and whatever will provide you with a mountain of calories. I personally recommend the potato, pasta, pizza sandwich with melted cheese on top – maximum results, pleasure and judgement. And then you squat a couple of hundred times per day because we are aiming for the peach emoji not a flan. Every morning and every night you eat a Krispy Kreme and you squat. You put pictures of JLO and Kim K for #buttspiration up on your wall and watch all your rear-end dreams come to life.
Step two: now you’re blessed with the big bum you ought to get the boobs to match
It’s like Ant to the Dec towards achieving the skinny-thick girl body, you need both to be merely relevant. Hopefully along the way of getting that big bum you have made a start with the boobs. Now your paper round or your waitress job definitely isn’t going to fund surgery *cough like most of the Instagram celebs sporting this body*, so we have to get this the natural way. Firstly, you’ll be doubling your quantity of potato, pasta, pizza and cheese sandwiches. And finally just get yourself pregnant, that’s the perfect way to turn your pancakes into melons. And if you don’t fancy that – I am really considering your dedication to this regime- then just google ‘fat foods to put into sandwiches’.
Step three: now here is the real trick, you must defy biology, maybe gravity even
You need to have the flattest stomach known to humankind. Yeah sure it was easy to get big boobs and a big bum after a KFC and share-but-not-shared-at-all box of nuggets. But now you have to get a stomach so slender that not even a single drip of sweat can cling on. For this you must eat Special K and drink Detox tea and you can guess what happens.
Step four: be a lucky little leprechaun
Every night look out of your window for shooting stars. Buy lots of lamps and give them a rub in the hope to see a genie. Park your car at the seaside and let birds shit all over it. Move to Ireland and wear horse-shoe jewellery. Pull out all your eyelashes and make the wish to be that skinny-thick girl because that’s the only way it’ll really all come together without surgery, because it’s a load of bollocks.
Fat, skinny, slim, athletic, chubby, curvy – whatever the fuck you are, who cares as long as you’re healthy and happy and not an Instagram myth.