Dating is a bizarre concept. You both fulfil a human function of eating or drinking with a person you don’t really know in the hope to spend more time with them and piss people off with your love on Instagram. Quite frankly, dating is a dire experience because as humans we are also equally dire, so two unrelated humans getting together is a social explosion.
Here’s six reasons why dating can -because it’s actually quite lovely- be awful:
You aren’t really yourself anyway. We will hold back on the jokes we make in case we offend them, we laugh at every joke to make them feel at ease and sometimes we don’t laugh as much as we want to, to avoid being mistaken for a horse. The problem is, your future partner is the one in which you will be making vile jokes to and laughing like a farm animal. So, if they don’t like your humour then you are saving time on a lot of shit dates. Let’s not leave the one waiting who will join you in hell for this humour.
The follow-up. It is obligatory to agree to see each other again or decide to be friends – and by friends this means a Facebook friend you will delete in the next two months. It’s incredibly awkward to tell someone you don’t like them for who they are because that’s just rude. There isn’t a right way to do it but you must be as kind as possible and try to save their dignity with poor excuses. Dating would be a lot easier if it worked like the follow-up of a job interview, “Dear applicant, unfortunately you were unsuccessful in receiving a second date. I am looking for someone who appreciates my alarmingly large appetite, worrying banter and does not look concerned at the suggestion of drinking shots to ease nerves. Kind Regards, a very bored person you dated.”
The modern era. Suddenly being ‘a good texter’ is important and things just get more complicated. I don’t expect to be swept off my feet or for someone to appear outside my window with a boombox but I’m also not after a ‘like’ on all my profile pictures for them to show some interest. Overall, dating in the younger generation is beyond a joke. “So, like what are you guys?”
Well, we are Facebook friends but I don’t follow them on Twitter but I definitely stalk their Twitter but I am not quite at the stage where I am obliged to like everything they post on Instagram and I guess we text most days and we’re Snapchat best-friends and we meet up on weekends and they’ve kind of met my family but we are definitively most definitely NOT in a relationship – but I would feel slightly cheated on if they kissed someone else, obviously.
You know everything about them already. You can deny it but you will have a little look at their Facebook and then you make small talk on the date pretending not to know they have two brothers and a love for some Facebook prankster. I strongly advise getting to know someone naturally like normal people did before the internet, it’s actually more fun.
The constant need to update people. Before a date you may be incredibly nervous so naturally you tell people about it to offload. But then this is always a regret “How did that date go with that guy/girl?!” – umm how am I supposed to say that I judged them due to their poor choice of football club?
So much of it is forced. A lot of the time dating takes place because people are desperate to be in a relationship. You can walk past Prezzo and see at least one pair -but definitely NOT a couple- conversing over pizza and praying it all goes well so they can smugly tell their family at Christmas that they’re not such a sad act. I admire those who go out and chase for what they want but in the world of relationships it’s always a bad idea. If you have to chase after someone, this means they’re running away. Take a casual stroll and hope to find the right person – or trip them up whilst they’re running. Dating is overall, a bit shit and very scary. But those who put themselves out there are still more likely to succeed in the dating game than those who don’t.
Final tips for all you potential daters out there: be the crude farm-animal that you truly are; handle the follow-up with kindness; take a course in texting; avoid Facebook stalking and get to know them for real; don’t tell too many people; and do not force it. And if it doesn’t work out, consider yourself as simply niche – a select taste but still absolutely bloody brilliant the right person, unless you’re sugar-free then you will be single forever.