Do you know what, Love Actually isn’t all around and you can stick your Elf Yourself video up your bottom.
December birthdays are a little bit awful, being born within the Christmas month means you’re lost amongst the Christmas cheer and the ‘is it too early?’ discussion – by the way if your birthday is before Christmas then the answer is yes.
1. People are hesitant to go out. It’s your birthday so you’ll want to go out and spend money on some kind of fun. But then arrives the excuses; someone is doing their second Christmas; others overdid it on the mulled wine; your friends need to ‘save themselves’ to do Christmas properly; another let-down doesn’t want to go out for drinks, in preparation for their new years resolution, that they’ll soon fail when their lovely summer birthday arrives or it’s someones bloody work party. And my personal favourite: “I have no money, we spent so much on presents this year!” MY BIRTHDAY HAS BEEN ON THE SAME DAY EVERY YEAR, YOU WANKER. P.S don’t you dare suggest going to Winter Wonderland on my birthday, bitch.
2. Everyone talks about Christmas whilst you’re trying to be excited for your birthday. Oh, you can’t wait for Christmas, can you? Don’t mind me whilst I tangle myself in these fairy-lights whilst bitterly giggling at the Gavin & Stacey Christmas Special.
3. Everyone always asks if you ‘mind’ having your birthday in December. Well I didn’t really get a choice but I lie anyway to make it clear that Christmas, New Years Eve and my birthday are three entirely separate events, that you should all be equally excited about – OKAY?
4. It’s bloody cold. Everyone is a bit ill and their summer-selves have hibernated into a cocoon of hot-chocolate and snotty tissues. If you go out clubbing you enter the antarctic after leaving and everyone’s energy is just generally lower. YAY, IT’S MY BIRTHDAY *sneeze, cough, cry.*
5. “Happy Birthday and Christmas” – Love, Satan. A December birthday suddenly means joint presents are okay. Of course everyone else got a birthday and a Christmas present but you know, it’s all within the same month so it’s only fair (IT IS ABSOLUTELY, CATEGORICALLY NOT FAIR, WATCH ME GIVE YOU A JOINT CHRISTMAS AND HANUKKAH PRESENT, GRANDMA).
6. Birthday banners and balloons are a myth in December. The Christmas decorations swarm every inch of the house, there is no hope in anyone really caring about your birthday as you slowly suffocate in tinsel. I mean, how else can you see all the cards from everyone you kind of forgot existed until they posted the envelope through your door?
7. It has made me increasingly aware I might be a little bit of an attention seeker. I have indeed noticed that how much I care about this matter turns me into Scrooge for a small section of December and I am deeply sorry. I love Christmas and New Years Eve but I want everyone to love my birthday too but I’ll just never be the Beyoncé of December, forever Michelle, but I guess Jesus earned this one a little more than I ever could.
Oh Michael Bublé, write me a birthday album?