Because how many times have you got drunk without regrets?
You’re drunk and you’re confident. Why not tell the person you see every day that you’re in love with them? Or maybe tell your ex-best friends that they’re arseholes, just for a laugh, right?
Alcohol and feelings don’t really go together, it’s like drinking red wine on a white sofa. Damage will be done.
So, you must either sort your shit out sober or follow these useful tips:
1. Buy two drinks – a drink for each hand, how can you simultaneously text your ex that you miss them whilst you’re juggling two vodka and cokes? You can’t!
2. Nominate a mate – let them take your phone, with strict instructions not to allow you to Facebook message that random guy/girl that they’re “actually so fit!!” Or “actjky do fitt”, if we’re talking in drunk. Make sure they’re the sensible one of the group or they could drunk-text for you and that may get you on the blocked list.
3. Delete – if there are people in your contact list that you shouldn’t be texting, delete them. But what if they text you? Do not fear, there’s nothing sassier than replying ‘who’s this?’ To someone you hate or once had a thing for. Mwahaha.
4. Draft your graft – in this modern age, for some reason, typing what we want to say just makes us feel that little bit better. Don’t send it. Draft your tweets; add potential texts to notes then screenshot to the group chat in the morning thanking yourself. Sorted.
5. Aeroplane mode aka drunk mode – putting your phone into aeroplane mode means that your texts won’t send and your internet won’t work, the deep and dark ages is the only place that’ll keep you safe. That little red circle with the exclamation mark is the failure symbol that’ll act like your guardian angel the next day, trust me. OH – be sure to turn it off if you lose your friends or need a taxi, there’s the dark ages then there’s the lost and trampy.
6. Remember your purpose – Let’s remind ourselves, why are we getting drunk? To have FUN, to pretend like you actually are an amazing singer and a strong contender for Beyoncé’s back-up dancer. And of course to debut in your latest I-probably-shouldn’t-have-bought-this-but-it’s-amazing purchase.
7. The Agony Aunt – if you’re really that desperate, text your best friend (she’s probably out with you, so text the next best thing!) They won’t judge you and you’ll feel a sense of ease just telling them how much you “just REALLY like him/her” or how much they just “REALLY pissed you off”.
8. Retro night – leave your phone at home, no phone and you have no problems my friend. And WOW you have already emptied that overpriced yet stunning clutch that you can only fit three items in.
*CAUTION* you must be in a large group with at least one person that has a phone; phones do have other purposes other than texting your ex like y’know emergency services and all that.
9. Consequences – why not turn your tragic habit into a game? If you and your pals are all serial drunk-texters, have a competition. The first one to commit the offense of sending an unwanted and embarrassing drunk-text is now either in charge of paying for the hangover meal the next day… or the 3am kebab that night if that’s your scene – I know it’s mine.
10. Just no – c’mon girl you’re better than this. Your eyeliner wings are sharper than ever, your contour is so strong that even you believe you have cheek bones and your selfie game probably isn’t that great when you’re drunk but hey you’re only human.
11. OR… The sober approach *gasps* – don’t drink, no drink, no drunk-texting! And no dancing, or singing, or shots, or shameful selfies or laughs… Okay let’s ignore that one.
I hope this helped, I’m considering setting up a drunk-texters anonymous group, so get in touch.