Life is full of clichés (I think that’s one in itself) and advice but a lot of it is, well, shit. My favourite cliché is ‘don’t regret what once made you happy’ and I agree with this with almost all of my heart because regret doesn’t get you anywhere and happiness does. But people need to stop saying it after every mistake you make or you’ll be a big mess crying in your bikini saying “well that 20 nuggets share box made me happy last week.” *cries and uploads scenery picture instead to Instagram*
Irritating and mostly useless advice:
“He’s being mean because he likes you” – this very advice is why women have a thing for horrible men. You’ll probably get told this in primary school, so encourage your daughter just to throat-punch* boys that are mean to her, not assume that he likes her. Take this advice right into adulthood, if he’s mean to you then he’s just a dick, he doesn’t fancy you. But if he BANTERS with you, then marry him, obviously.
*just a joke, I do not condone the encouragement of throat punching (in general).
“Just be yourself” – WELL, myself is the same person that is unemployed, single and a little bit dim. Never be afraid to be yourself, yourself is the best kind of self but in some situations, be less yourself, just a tiny bit. Like in a job interview, you may be full of banter but save that for the work party once you get the job.
“Think of the money” – the universal saying for ‘your job is shit’. Quite frankly, thinking of the money is actually a terrible idea because it’s quite depressing to realise you’ve worked a full day that’ll transfer into a Nandos and a packet of skittles.
“Stop thinking about it” – I just replied “yeah fine thanks” when someone said “hello” to me. I snorted laughing in front of someone I fancy. I trip over my own feet in public. And I will continue to think about these things for the next five years. But now I’m going to think about how much I over-think too, thanks.
“Give it time” – time genuinely is the best healer but it’s annoying advice. I’m not Harry Potter -I wish I was- and I’m not in possession of Bernard’s watch either. I can’t fast forward all this time that’ll dig my head out of the ice-cream tub, I just have pain, so give me Bernard’s watch or give me twelve doughnuts.
“Just tell them how you feel” – says Susan, happily married, one dog, two children and never had to approach anyone in her life. If I’m telling anyone how I feel I’m starting with you Susan, bitch. Putting Susan aside, in all honesty you should always be brave because you’re better off knowing than saying ‘what if’ but give it some thought too, to avoid your own dramatic EastEnders-like episode.
“Follow your gut” – just tell me if I’m doing the right thing or not because my gut says congratulations on your food baby. You should follow your instincts most of the time but in the most stressful situations, I can’t even tell if I’m hungry or I’m sensing something is wrong.
“You’ll be fine, just relax“, says the person who will be pissed off at you if you do badly. It’s funny how we’re told to relax at the most nerving times of our lives, really didn’t think of that one mate, cheers!
Stupid people give stupid advice so avoid them just as much as you snigger at the above advice. It’s like taking fashion advice from someone who wears Crocs beyond the garden –still frowned upon in the garden-, they don’t want the best for themselves, let alone you.
Without sounding like a big wet fish the only advice you need is from big C herself –that’s Cinderella- “be kind and have courage.” Make yourself happy, make others happy and be brave – even if that does require several tequila shots to activate that bravery.